So far into intensity that I let it go

I sit here today and I am quiet. I feel the habit of wanting to explain and yet I don't reach out to any of my loved ones. I am in a cocoon, not to avoid people, but because I no longer need to reach out. I don't need that intensity. I don't need to be a walking poem.

On Saturday night, I fell into a friend's arms and was held and loved and allowed to love to the extremes of my ability. It felt like I was being burrowed into and I confessed all the desires I had previously wanted to hide without shame or dis-ease. I was clear. I was accepted. I was loved. I was given permission to be more over the top than ever.

I thought I was satiated then, but I'm not sure what happened. It was almost too much to sleep near him the last night I was there. Even my foot against his calf was too much, even his presence a foot away was too much. Shifts and healing kept happening throughout the night, but it was also exhausting. My dreams were so vivid...

I think we slept for more than ten hours and I'm sure we both awoke exhausted.

Now I'm here with my cats, in my simple little home, feeding this body, resting. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like texting. I don't think I need to reach outside of myself at all. For once it doesn't seem like the magic can only come from interaction with others.

I just read my last post from over a year ago... and it is so fitting. I have come a long way since then. I let my love for M. destroy me.... until I really did just give up. I was confused by my love for A., though it taught me the beauty of listening to my own heart.

Really, that is what all of this has done. I don't need fireworks or knights in shining armor. I don't need moments that can be turned into amazing stories of another great love. I don't need anything.

I am fully prepared to never be in partnership again. I don't need sex. I don't need romance. I don't need someone willing to forsake everything for me. None of these things make sense to me anymore.

I love my friends. I love my family, but I don't feel like any of it defines me. I don't know if anything defines me. I am simply here, willing to say yes, willing to let go.... willing to experience and then move forward. I don't know. It is all too perfect, so perfect. Beautiful.

I love you.

You are loved. You are loved.

You

are

loved.

and these words started to come to me in the shower and I had to carefully interrupt them so that they'd last until I could write them down... and figure out where they were going to go...

Ask most people what it is they have most wanted to hear, and I don't think their answer would really be genuine, even if they trusted you and wanted to give you an honest answer. It takes such a degree of vulnerability to look into yourself and openly admit the simple phrase that you have always yearned for, but never heard. When I did this on retreat, most of the women had wanted to hear simple things like, "You're good enough"; "You're perfect just as you are"; and "You're beautiful". We would listen as the woman nervously or boldly spoke the words and then we'd say the phrase back to the person. All of us meaning it as much as we could and the person doing their best to accept the phrase they had so long yearned for. 

Mine was a little bit different and, not surprisingly, I wanted to change it to make it more like those of the others, but I didn't doubt that I was loved or accepted, and I didn't doubt my beauty, worth or intelligence. The phrase I had always wanted to hear was, "I want to to be your partner and explore this life with you." A phrase so hard to share with the group and so awkward to hear said back to me from the accepting faces, glowing with love. I felt like I only let the words partially in, but I tried; I tried to accept the words from all of them.

And this is what prompted the retreat leader to tell me to not seek a partner or, if I had one, to put my partner aside for awhile, and learn to love myself. And that someday I would then have a line of people wanting to be my partner. He asked if I understood, and I did, and I said I did, but I tried to rush past the moment. And, even now I try to put my computer aside. 

But, when I first heard Robert Palmer sing those fated lines, I knew he was speaking to me. You're right, I am a stereotypical Pisces with an addiction like all the rest. It's no wonder that The Princess Bride was my favorite movie, with Westley telling Buttercup that not even death could keep them apart and the white horses and the kiss that outranked all of the greatest kisses of all time. 

It is also not surprising that I was drawn from it by I Heart Huckabees.

The other secret, love, is that when the pain would get unbearable, as it did near the end, I told God that I was willing to let go of you, if that was what I needed to do, in order to make the pain stop. I told God that I gave up, that I wouldn't fight anymore, that I would stop trying to run my own life, that I would really dedicate myself this time. But, I told you that I hoped we were in a dimension where we would end up together... and maybe part of that me did, I don't know how it all works... But I (of this dimension) stopped fighting. See, the thing is that I told you that I couldn't fight for you, but I did. I didn't fight another person, because I wouldn't stop you from having what you wanted, but I did fight myself; I ignored the advice coming my way until it came in the form of a metaphorical mallet... or a heavy wooden cutting board with a handle fashioned just for knocking sense into people.

So, I love you, but I can't ignore that voice anymore. We can't cuddle like that right now. You have a girlfriend and I want you to be dedicated to her. I don't want to create a tension between us that will make either of us feel bad about ourselves or hurt another. For me to be single... and to support your life that is honest and uncomplicated, it makes more sense to have activities that are appropriate to our new way of relating. 

Part of me felt like I should pull away, but part of me still feels so drawn to you. It's hard, but I have to listen to that quiet voice. As I do so, I hope you can see me trusting you more. I really do love you, my friend, and I don't want to just love you in a way that is inter-mixed with my addiction. I want to love you without expecting you to feed my habit, both for your sake and for mine.

It's happening already, of course. I was calm before I got home last night and I'm more convinced that we're both doing what is right. 

I'd like to get past the (mutual) addictions and love each other without expecting the other to satisfy any aching need. And, so, I guess I'm asking if we can try not to feed my addiction. My willpower is still a bit weak, but I think we can do it together. 

Because someday I'd like to meet your new love.... and because your friendship is important to me... and because I'm doing the best I can to listen to that delicate voice.

Thank you, my friend. You have been and are a beautiful presence in my life.

I had almost forgotten who I once had been

Would you believe that both of my husbands accused me of being violent and having temper problems? That they both at least once regarded me with fear?

I used to scream and cry. I was such the drama queen.

I read back a few posts and saw how valiantly I was trying not to be the victim then, but I still blamed everything on Daniel when he got to the states. I was an angel, making efforts to get to know his culture, food, interests, and language. He was the devil, slighting me at every turn. But I chose him. I am the one who decided to get engaged ridiculously early into my time knowing him. It didn't quite feel like the right thing, but it didn't feel too terrible, and so I went with it. I was in control of my life, though it took me a long time to admit that... and I still get angry at him sometimes.

I am such a different person now. I take so much better care of myself. I have so much less fear. It is amazing.

I got anxious today and started to feel like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I went on a walk and actively congratulated people on the abundance in their lives, on their fortunes and their blessings. It helped a lot.

I also keep trying to not be scared of or judge the hard emotions. I keep feeling them and loving them, allowing them to move through as they need.... noting ways in which I can gain clarity or treat myself better as the emotions roll by. I am so glad that I have learned all of this and that life is easier. I still feel tired, but I know it isn't like the tired I have felt before. I remember barely being able to stand, confused about how I'd get the energy to even do the most basic things to continue forward with life. Now I just put some things off to till the last minute, but I get things done. And I am actively taking care of myself on so many levels.

I still feel so much attachment. My nerves are on fire. I am so in love and, especially after reading my last post, I know this decision to let go of romance and to spend some real time apart, consciously, is the best decision, but, oh, do I feel the process. I chose God though. I really did.

I chose God and I chose me, and I did it in a way that allowed me to love you better and more. This is the only way to do things. I know.

I love you so much

I feel like I'm scared to write, but I know that I have my signals crossed. There is a small amount of fear in my body, though I imagine it is just adrenaline coursing through me as all of these things pass on by. I have to admit that it gets easier. I keep having emotions to pass through and let go of, but it isn't as overwhelming. I can breathe and make myself a little more expansive and open. I can go into a sensation and explore it. I can scream into my pillow to help facilitate the release of anger. I can appreciate this flame point cat rubbing his face against my computer monitor. He has taken to sleeping right near my head. I think he knows that I yearn for companionship and the trick is to see God in everything, and not just where I want to see it.

God seems so clear when I look at you. Your smile is radiant. Your skin and scars are divine. I could listen to anything you had to say for days. Life has never felt so complete or so easy as it does in your arms.

And, yet, I find myself then more trapped. I get so attached to you. I begin to shadow box, trying to remember how to just love myself, trying to remember how to be my own lover.
I spent one night in your arms and I get so lost in you. This isn't your fault. You're off doing your own thing while I'm on a little roller coaster.

I did get my wish though, the roller coaster was smaller this time around... but, I get scared. And I find myself praying, willing to let anything be taken away: any memory, any attachment, anything... just so I can have peace again.

But then, as soon as I find a place of calm, I find myself adoring you again, wanting to make you little things and mail them to you anonymously. It is like nothing I could ever do would ever let me show enough love to you. I want a family with you, a baby, a home, chickens, a dog. I want to explore all of our dreams and all of our realities. I want to give you everything and I just want to adore you and your crooked smile.

Yet, I sometimes wonder if I can even stand to see you right now.

I can work on all other demons with you, but not this attachment. When I am with you, it all feels fine. But, then I want more and I don't really all of the moments when you aren't there. Oh, some of them I do. I can allow myself to enjoy the moment of shooting Devin's M1A or really allow myself to experience and enjoy a moment of love with my cat. I can see that I am figuring it out. I can see that I am slowly learning to appreciate each moment and take better care of myself.

Though each time I let go of another layer of attachment to you, it seems like I just love you more. This would work out fine, except that I can't seem to stop filling those holes I empty. I create space by getting rid of attachment and I fill it with more attachment. I probably need to spend more time away from you.

I may need to speak to my teacher about this.

I want a companion on this journey of life, not someone that I let get in my way.

Though, I know that I have to look inside myself first. There is something that I want from outside of myself that I am having trouble seeing inside myself. I hope that the weighted blanket helps.

I love you so much and it sucks that we seem to need to spend less time together right now, but I know that I can't be a good partner or a good friend (either to myself or to you), until I can more easily get rid of attachment and less easily build it up.

Process

I write you my process. I sit here cross-legged with a purring cat on my lap. I can feel his back against my stomach as I lean forward to reach the keys. He is kneading the mattress between my feet and the computer. Smooth shows so much love and my heart just hurts so much. And I just don't want to feel so tired. I don't want to feel like my nerves are so exposed and I'm not too fond of this moment; I'm ready to move forward a few months and just see what good can come later.

I don't want to feel like a victim and I don't want to blame. I know I need to change my reactions. I know that I need to let people be who they are, but there are things I need to heal and I don't know how else to get them. I ask for them and I try to give myself conditions conducive to them. I give up control to the universe as much as possible. Each day I start afresh, ready to forget that yesterday I did not get what I needed, ready to forget that an hour ago I didn't get what I needed, ready for this moment to be what I need.

But, I don't get what I need and asking for it over and over is so tiring. I hear that I am understood and that I will get what I need, but then I don't, again. I try not to let resentment build-up. I hear myself thinking and feeling anger, hatred, despair. I resist the urge to say things that would make the other person really understand how terrible this feels. I resist. I will not draw up things from my past. I need to be in this moment and I am not a victim. I feel compassion for myself. I remember to have indifference in the presence of error, but I don't feel it. I feel so tired.

When given all the choices, the most important seems to be to not feel tired. So, I ask myself in this instant....what can I do to not feel so tired? There are obvious things like more yoga and meditation, and not pushing myself so hard. I can always eat healthier. (Another cat has arrived on my lap; it gets harder to type. This seems to melt the knot in my heart, to mix metaphors.)

I can stay in the moment more. I can do this with the cats, but with so many things. My thoughts keep running forward and back.

Oh, how nice. I started by thinking of all the times my thoughts have gone into the past or the future, which, ironically, doesn't have me in the present. Then my cats....well, they bring me into the present with inordinate amounts of cat love. Also, I put on my hippy music, Donna De Lory currently sings Om Nama Shivaya, my favorite.

Still my heart hurts. I feel confused, lost.... maybe this comes from trying to make a decision when all decisions would take me out of this moment.

I want to blame someone else because why in the world would I choose to let myself suffer so?

Certain phrases, heard or read, float through my mind..... I have been told that I should know why each person is in my life; each person should be there for a reason. And I try to think why this person is in my life and sometimes all I can come up with is to potentially give me more time and money (in the future), to cook for me, and to push every button I have so that I can learn and grow.

And do I want that final thing? Did I fucking pray for patience?

(Meaning that we have to be careful what we pray for because the only way to learn patience is by spending lots of time in situations that demand it, like being stuck with an annoying person....)

Is he my inspiration, meant to teach me the painful way? Or is this just the universe giving me what I had asked for? So much time of playing the victim and suffering and now I can make a victim of myself, see myself as the victimizer and the decision maker....... Having the prayer for suffering answered......

This email takes longer to write than it appears. I keep stopping and spending time in the song, in the words, in the feel of the keys, in the cat's head resting on my wrist......... There is much process here. A lifetime has passed since the opening words, whatever they were.....

I realize that in this moment the relationship to this particular manifestation of god doesn't really matter, but writing this email is terribly important, pausing on occasion to sing, hey ma durga......

Seeing that my patterns are changing..... that is important. I chose to write this email. I chose to examine my victimness and my patterns, rather than stumble blindly into rage and sorrow. This in itself is a valiant step. I didn't mask the aching tristeza in my heart with boiling fury. I didn't push the wrath down with castigation and admonishments of inappropriateness. I didn't drown in my tears and my words, though not always kind, were not nearly as hurtful as my habit would have had.

I am sleepy still, an emotional hangover. Something like this feels too big to ignore. How can I get up now and take a shower? I need to write more. I need to continue in this moment with the cat, the keyboard and beginnings of winter cold. I want to sleep more. I want to wake up later and feel refreshed. I try to convince myself that creating flyers and putting them on people's doors is just as an important part of my spiritual journey. I have met the saintly janitor; I know that I don't have to be on retreat or living in an ashram to be a part of god. My every waking moment can be meditation in action, even if I feel sadness dripping through my system and congealing around my heart. It is no more spiritual or healing to go to sleep with my cat and then wake for food, meditation, asana and humor than to go to work and plan a conference, invite people to the host reception and train someone on how to prepare quarterly reports. Mailing the lease! Calling for help to fill out a form! Designing web site content!

I can do each thing with an open heart. I can choose each moment what way to live in order to care for myself. I can do each action with consciousness and let god take the reins.

So much more to say.... more of the same, probably more helpful to me than to you..... but I prepare to depart from this moment of healing music and healing cat kisses and healing email........

Thank you.

Faith and Fairness

I noticed this week that I have this yearning for fairness which makes me act like a child. I want to throw tantrums, kicking and screaming, because things don't go my way. I was in the shower this morning, angry, and I knew that the anger didn't come from him, but from me.

I tried to figure it out. What wasn't I seeing? What was the real cause of the anger? I guessed that it somehow came from my desire to control him, but I wasn't quite sure what the real answer was.

I knew I wasn't paying enough attention.

My brain has been so foggy lately, just trying to take care of myself.

Little experiments, eating less gluten (though I'm currently waiting to go pick up a pizza with green chile crust... all things in moderation, I suppose), taking cooler showers, making popsicles instead of eating so much candy, taking vitamin D, journalling more/again, etc. I let myself fall away from so many healthy things and I am trying both to remedy that and also to be kind to myself, seeing each little step back toward strength as a beautiful part of the process and not berating myself for not doing all of it right now.

And, all of this goes together. All of it comes down to paying attention and listening to the Universe. I asked for something and the Universe is communicating a gentle 'no.' I can accept or I can throw myself upon the floor and wail and beat my hands against the floor. The battle for this fairness is draining and it makes home life so uncomfortable. It isn't even something I really need.

I need to listen, to pay attention, to accept graciously what the Universe gives me.
I'm also looking at Faith. What role does it play in my life? What role do I want it to play in my life?

How do I want to live?

I became weak when I stopped paying attention. I really pay attention briefly... and it is then when my writing is the most profound and my life the most beautiful and easy. So, this week I look at Faith... and I hope that soon I can just open up and completely trust the world, the universe, all of it.

I spent yesterday in silence

Yesterday, I didn't speak. Well, I accidentally said, "yes," while we were at the swimming pool, but I was otherwise quiet. It was lovely.

I know that it frustrated my husband a bit. He had questions for me. He wanted to know how to pronounce things and what things meant, but I just touched my lips and shrugged. Sorry.

It was really lovely though. I saw how often idle chatter ends up with us fighting, over silly little things. He was upset because someone at the bus stop had been talking to him and I didn't intervene. He told me this. I looked at him. I listened. I cared... but I didn't reply. And so the conversation moved forward.

He was frustrated with the fact that he can't make calls to El Salvador and commented how things are crazy here, how we pay for the phones and can't use them. I could sense myself wanting to talk about things are crazy in El Salvador or explain how our phones work... again, with frustration. I just had to shrug though... and when I am able to talk to him, I will do so with calm.

I woke in the middle of the night and was able to see the points during the day where I had been judgmental and the times when I wanted to react based on old patterns. With a little bit of gentle quiet wisdom from Grace, I was able to see how I could be a little bit calmer and a little bit more loving.

We went to the pool and hung out together and I had the energy for it and it felt nice.... often times it feels like there isn't enough time for doing the responsible things I need to go, spending time with him, and dedicating myself to my spiritual practice... but yesterday I took the spiritual practice with me.

I was tempted to explain some of this to him, but I realize that this isn't where he is at... and that is fine.

He is about to get up... we shall see how this day goes. Oh, how I would like to maintain the silence.