Intention

No concern, no fear, no gossip, no intrigue. Simply quiet surrendering joy.

I want to connect to and radiate joy and love.

Migraines

When on the verge of a migraine, my brain doesn't work and I feel nauseous. There seems to be a fog between myself and paperwork. A haze creeps around me. Stress increases as I try to make files or type letters.

I persisted though and dealt with immigration stuff, maybe not the best idea....

But I also tried to not fight the migraine. I tried to just surrender, to connect, to be love, to listen to the voice that told me to dance.

When I danced, all was well. When I stopped and breathed, all was well. When I cooked, all was well.

But the computer, the thoughts, the little obsessings, brought stress to my muscles and tension to my stomach.

I want to surrender to Grace. I want to just live as an expression of source. I know that this is more real and necessary and helpful to everyone and everything than waiting on hold with the IRS.

Today, at work, I want to quietly listen and surrender.

I want to stop directing the conversation and talking so much... I don't need to be witty or interesting. I need to be a quiet and magnificent manifestation of the love of God.

Oh, these old silly habits.

Hey, those are my demons!

I was cuddled in bed this morning... half-dreaming, half-listening... I had a dream that resolved around a problematic issue from the past that woke me. I stumbled to the bathroom and realized that the energy from my loved one felt different when he said those hurtful things. Ahh, I realized, it was not him that said those kind of words; it was his demons that spoke those words, that caused that pain, that blocked us off from Love.

I gracefully crawled back into bed and realized... Hey, those are my demons! Yes! As I focus on the pain of the past, as I let the pain of different lovers merge, I realize that they are my projections, my pains, my disembodied demons milling about. The key is not playing with that demon energy. Yes! Yes! I thought and then yes, yes... as I drifted back to sleep.

Then, in the shower, I realized that those demons also play with me when they have me focusing on work, on budgeting, on judgmental things, when I really just want to be meditating and letting go into Grace and God.

So, let go... let go! Let Go! I say.....

Ego Tricks Part One: Time

My ego plays tricks. I play mind games with myself.

A popular one is obsessing over time: Will I get to work on time? I was the first at work, again! How long have I been on lunch? How much time until the end of the day? How long did my commute take me? How should I micromanage my free time? Where did the time go?

The questions swirl in tight little circles and everything sinks into that one heavy moment.

The energy stops flowing and I stop quietly enjoying the moment. I stop paying attention.

This is one pattern to gently disassemble.

11/5/11 Note: Ha! I can't even remember being like this. I know I still care about being on time, but this is one thing that apparently got unraveled when things fell apart earlier this year.