Migraines

When on the verge of a migraine, my brain doesn't work and I feel nauseous. There seems to be a fog between myself and paperwork. A haze creeps around me. Stress increases as I try to make files or type letters.

I persisted though and dealt with immigration stuff, maybe not the best idea....

But I also tried to not fight the migraine. I tried to just surrender, to connect, to be love, to listen to the voice that told me to dance.

When I danced, all was well. When I stopped and breathed, all was well. When I cooked, all was well.

But the computer, the thoughts, the little obsessings, brought stress to my muscles and tension to my stomach.

I want to surrender to Grace. I want to just live as an expression of source. I know that this is more real and necessary and helpful to everyone and everything than waiting on hold with the IRS.

Today, at work, I want to quietly listen and surrender.

I want to stop directing the conversation and talking so much... I don't need to be witty or interesting. I need to be a quiet and magnificent manifestation of the love of God.

Oh, these old silly habits.

A brief introduction

February seems an appropriate time to start this blog as now is the time when I cut myself off from so many sources of input. Until the end of February, probably until after my birthday, I will not read, not books or news, only things for work and a small book of poetry by Hafiz, I Heard God Laughing. I have also taken away movies, Myspace and Facebook, along with the fact that I keep trying to talk less and less.

I saved at least 400 anytime minutes this month on my cell phone and probably 1,000 more of mobile-to-mobile and night and weekend minutes. Yet still I find myself talking and I become aware that I am talking just to throw a bit of myself out there, just to have some of my energy floating around and recognized by the people around me.

This seems silly, as I know that my energy is out there and that people in other states and countries can recognize it and I can connect to the whole universe, but I guess old habits are hard to break.

I found myself doing sudoku last night, maybe as an attempt to pacify myself. I am not sure if I need to take those away for this month or not as well. I am thinking of going to the library and checking out a book of paintings. I also want to buy some finger paints and some paper. I want to take more photos and more slow walks. I want to change the way in which I express and see myself. I want to go deeper and sideways and see what this life has to offer.

I write here because I want to share, but I don't want to talk and talk about myself at a time when I would rather be listening.

I like writing. It helps me find clarity. It helps me find quiet.

Okay, off to the store..... much love.

11/5/11 Note: Oh! All of what I was working so hard at changing then changed when I lost my mind this year. I have to say I'm glad that so much of me was broken down.