It is harder to fight when you can't talk about what may have been....

This thought came to me from a fleeting memory in which I was a frustrated and emotional young woman trying desperately to fight with her husband, but literally unable to talk about what might have been. For the lack of certain verb forms (the conditional and the past tense subjunctive), I was only able to talk about what really had happened.

The fight was unable to progress because I could not clearly communicate my fears about some imaginary situation, probably to the benefit of us all.

Now, of course, it is easy enough to pick a fight over things that have happened or are happening (or at least how we have interpreted them), but it seems lovely to at least take out the fights, the worries, and the tears.... all caused by things that only happened in our minds.

Hmm... The funny part is that when I start to look at that last little paragraph, I quietly realize that all of the fights and problems have not been caused by the situations (real or imaginary) but by the whining and whimpering, or stomping and screaming of my ego.

Whenever I let go of Love and forget to pay attention, whenever I get caught up in the drama of situations that might have been or that might be, whenever I start imagining the repercussions or insinuations of each little word and action, then my ego takes center stage - rending hair and beating a deep and powerful percussion that whips everything up into a Dionysian frenzy. And while I play the part in that emotional Bacchanal, I am distanced from truth, and I let myself suffer (probably becauses it feeds into my "poor me" drama that keeps my ego going).

I guess the trick is to be unable to fight about these things that might have been, even when I have the words to do so, to see how pointless and silly it is to rage against the ghost in the machine, to just breathe and let the words come from that quietness of what really is.