When I step out of the present, I get tired. Too much thinking and I just want to go to bed.
I got a raise yesterday, and then part of me was thinking about the new amounts of work and how I could keep up while still taking care of myself... and how much more money I would make per month... and when the new pay checks would start..... and how there might be room for growth in this little non-profit.... And, then, oh the sleepiness. By 7pm I was ready to crawl into bed.
I kept listening to Grace, but the ego was shouting. I was calmer than I think I would have been just a few months before. There was less of an emotional roller-coaster, but I am just becoming more sensitive to these ups and downs. Even the few (dozen) stray thoughts that stayed longer than they were asked was tiring, but the good news is that I recognize this.
My anniversary was Sunday as well.... and I just couldn't cry and be sad because we weren't together. It just seemed to me that I had lived him the day before and the day before that and would continue to love him the next day... and why just this special day? Why just this day to build up expectations and be more likely to be let down?
Why remember the past that had good things but that also had problems, which are better now as we have continued to grow and become calmer? I didn't even need to look forward, yearning for the day when he will arrive. I was just comfortable as it was.
And when I did have those few moments of my heart aching... after listening to him and his bit of sorrow. Well, I listened to and paid attention to that tight pain in my heart, but I also listened to quiet Grace.
I took a bath. I read. I played with the cats. I meditated.
The more I just stay present, rather than drifting in dreams, the calmer and more content I feel.
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