A little reminder for myself

I wrote to my teacher yesterday, slowly, carefully.... I was connected. I was honest. It was beautiful. My migraine went away afterward and my own words keep appearing in my head whenever I find myself obsessing and getting lost time, space or matter.

Before I wrote, I wanted to see last week as a failure. I talked too much. I told jokes and stories to be cool, funny and interesting. I let myself get excited and then stressed over immigration issues. I didn't take care of myself as well as I should have. The list goes on.

But I wrote and saw that I was paying attention, that I was learning, that I was loving myself. I had to admit that I knew almost immediately that my words were not useful, necessary or kind. And this awareness is something new.

I did choke on one sob this week, but I just loved myself and felt it and connected. And I had to remember that it was not that long ago that I was having daily panic attacks and couldn't handle anything.

So, the kindness and the surrender seem to be seeping in. And the writing helped so much.

I want to get that degree of honesty and connection in all of my writings... and all of my words and everything. And the writing really does help. I have perspective.

So, today I have to see that I keep wanting to get lost in how many hours of work I can get done or trying to get my apartment spic and span for my step-mom. Breathe.

The migraine starts to come back when my mind whirs too loud.

It isn't that I can't work or clean... it is that I need to stop obsessing and restricting energy flow. I need to just accept and surrender and enjoy the moment, whether I am cleaning the toaster oven, dancing to reggaeton or eating pizza.

I just need to keep this quality all of the time.

I need to listen.

A brief introduction

February seems an appropriate time to start this blog as now is the time when I cut myself off from so many sources of input. Until the end of February, probably until after my birthday, I will not read, not books or news, only things for work and a small book of poetry by Hafiz, I Heard God Laughing. I have also taken away movies, Myspace and Facebook, along with the fact that I keep trying to talk less and less.

I saved at least 400 anytime minutes this month on my cell phone and probably 1,000 more of mobile-to-mobile and night and weekend minutes. Yet still I find myself talking and I become aware that I am talking just to throw a bit of myself out there, just to have some of my energy floating around and recognized by the people around me.

This seems silly, as I know that my energy is out there and that people in other states and countries can recognize it and I can connect to the whole universe, but I guess old habits are hard to break.

I found myself doing sudoku last night, maybe as an attempt to pacify myself. I am not sure if I need to take those away for this month or not as well. I am thinking of going to the library and checking out a book of paintings. I also want to buy some finger paints and some paper. I want to take more photos and more slow walks. I want to change the way in which I express and see myself. I want to go deeper and sideways and see what this life has to offer.

I write here because I want to share, but I don't want to talk and talk about myself at a time when I would rather be listening.

I like writing. It helps me find clarity. It helps me find quiet.

Okay, off to the store..... much love.

11/5/11 Note: Oh! All of what I was working so hard at changing then changed when I lost my mind this year. I have to say I'm glad that so much of me was broken down.