Process

I write you my process. I sit here cross-legged with a purring cat on my lap. I can feel his back against my stomach as I lean forward to reach the keys. He is kneading the mattress between my feet and the computer. Smooth shows so much love and my heart just hurts so much. And I just don't want to feel so tired. I don't want to feel like my nerves are so exposed and I'm not too fond of this moment; I'm ready to move forward a few months and just see what good can come later.

I don't want to feel like a victim and I don't want to blame. I know I need to change my reactions. I know that I need to let people be who they are, but there are things I need to heal and I don't know how else to get them. I ask for them and I try to give myself conditions conducive to them. I give up control to the universe as much as possible. Each day I start afresh, ready to forget that yesterday I did not get what I needed, ready to forget that an hour ago I didn't get what I needed, ready for this moment to be what I need.

But, I don't get what I need and asking for it over and over is so tiring. I hear that I am understood and that I will get what I need, but then I don't, again. I try not to let resentment build-up. I hear myself thinking and feeling anger, hatred, despair. I resist the urge to say things that would make the other person really understand how terrible this feels. I resist. I will not draw up things from my past. I need to be in this moment and I am not a victim. I feel compassion for myself. I remember to have indifference in the presence of error, but I don't feel it. I feel so tired.

When given all the choices, the most important seems to be to not feel tired. So, I ask myself in this instant....what can I do to not feel so tired? There are obvious things like more yoga and meditation, and not pushing myself so hard. I can always eat healthier. (Another cat has arrived on my lap; it gets harder to type. This seems to melt the knot in my heart, to mix metaphors.)

I can stay in the moment more. I can do this with the cats, but with so many things. My thoughts keep running forward and back.

Oh, how nice. I started by thinking of all the times my thoughts have gone into the past or the future, which, ironically, doesn't have me in the present. Then my cats....well, they bring me into the present with inordinate amounts of cat love. Also, I put on my hippy music, Donna De Lory currently sings Om Nama Shivaya, my favorite.

Still my heart hurts. I feel confused, lost.... maybe this comes from trying to make a decision when all decisions would take me out of this moment.

I want to blame someone else because why in the world would I choose to let myself suffer so?

Certain phrases, heard or read, float through my mind..... I have been told that I should know why each person is in my life; each person should be there for a reason. And I try to think why this person is in my life and sometimes all I can come up with is to potentially give me more time and money (in the future), to cook for me, and to push every button I have so that I can learn and grow.

And do I want that final thing? Did I fucking pray for patience?

(Meaning that we have to be careful what we pray for because the only way to learn patience is by spending lots of time in situations that demand it, like being stuck with an annoying person....)

Is he my inspiration, meant to teach me the painful way? Or is this just the universe giving me what I had asked for? So much time of playing the victim and suffering and now I can make a victim of myself, see myself as the victimizer and the decision maker....... Having the prayer for suffering answered......

This email takes longer to write than it appears. I keep stopping and spending time in the song, in the words, in the feel of the keys, in the cat's head resting on my wrist......... There is much process here. A lifetime has passed since the opening words, whatever they were.....

I realize that in this moment the relationship to this particular manifestation of god doesn't really matter, but writing this email is terribly important, pausing on occasion to sing, hey ma durga......

Seeing that my patterns are changing..... that is important. I chose to write this email. I chose to examine my victimness and my patterns, rather than stumble blindly into rage and sorrow. This in itself is a valiant step. I didn't mask the aching tristeza in my heart with boiling fury. I didn't push the wrath down with castigation and admonishments of inappropriateness. I didn't drown in my tears and my words, though not always kind, were not nearly as hurtful as my habit would have had.

I am sleepy still, an emotional hangover. Something like this feels too big to ignore. How can I get up now and take a shower? I need to write more. I need to continue in this moment with the cat, the keyboard and beginnings of winter cold. I want to sleep more. I want to wake up later and feel refreshed. I try to convince myself that creating flyers and putting them on people's doors is just as an important part of my spiritual journey. I have met the saintly janitor; I know that I don't have to be on retreat or living in an ashram to be a part of god. My every waking moment can be meditation in action, even if I feel sadness dripping through my system and congealing around my heart. It is no more spiritual or healing to go to sleep with my cat and then wake for food, meditation, asana and humor than to go to work and plan a conference, invite people to the host reception and train someone on how to prepare quarterly reports. Mailing the lease! Calling for help to fill out a form! Designing web site content!

I can do each thing with an open heart. I can choose each moment what way to live in order to care for myself. I can do each action with consciousness and let god take the reins.

So much more to say.... more of the same, probably more helpful to me than to you..... but I prepare to depart from this moment of healing music and healing cat kisses and healing email........

Thank you.

Faith and Fairness

I noticed this week that I have this yearning for fairness which makes me act like a child. I want to throw tantrums, kicking and screaming, because things don't go my way. I was in the shower this morning, angry, and I knew that the anger didn't come from him, but from me.

I tried to figure it out. What wasn't I seeing? What was the real cause of the anger? I guessed that it somehow came from my desire to control him, but I wasn't quite sure what the real answer was.

I knew I wasn't paying enough attention.

My brain has been so foggy lately, just trying to take care of myself.

Little experiments, eating less gluten (though I'm currently waiting to go pick up a pizza with green chile crust... all things in moderation, I suppose), taking cooler showers, making popsicles instead of eating so much candy, taking vitamin D, journalling more/again, etc. I let myself fall away from so many healthy things and I am trying both to remedy that and also to be kind to myself, seeing each little step back toward strength as a beautiful part of the process and not berating myself for not doing all of it right now.

And, all of this goes together. All of it comes down to paying attention and listening to the Universe. I asked for something and the Universe is communicating a gentle 'no.' I can accept or I can throw myself upon the floor and wail and beat my hands against the floor. The battle for this fairness is draining and it makes home life so uncomfortable. It isn't even something I really need.

I need to listen, to pay attention, to accept graciously what the Universe gives me.
I'm also looking at Faith. What role does it play in my life? What role do I want it to play in my life?

How do I want to live?

I became weak when I stopped paying attention. I really pay attention briefly... and it is then when my writing is the most profound and my life the most beautiful and easy. So, this week I look at Faith... and I hope that soon I can just open up and completely trust the world, the universe, all of it.