Faith and Fairness

I noticed this week that I have this yearning for fairness which makes me act like a child. I want to throw tantrums, kicking and screaming, because things don't go my way. I was in the shower this morning, angry, and I knew that the anger didn't come from him, but from me.

I tried to figure it out. What wasn't I seeing? What was the real cause of the anger? I guessed that it somehow came from my desire to control him, but I wasn't quite sure what the real answer was.

I knew I wasn't paying enough attention.

My brain has been so foggy lately, just trying to take care of myself.

Little experiments, eating less gluten (though I'm currently waiting to go pick up a pizza with green chile crust... all things in moderation, I suppose), taking cooler showers, making popsicles instead of eating so much candy, taking vitamin D, journalling more/again, etc. I let myself fall away from so many healthy things and I am trying both to remedy that and also to be kind to myself, seeing each little step back toward strength as a beautiful part of the process and not berating myself for not doing all of it right now.

And, all of this goes together. All of it comes down to paying attention and listening to the Universe. I asked for something and the Universe is communicating a gentle 'no.' I can accept or I can throw myself upon the floor and wail and beat my hands against the floor. The battle for this fairness is draining and it makes home life so uncomfortable. It isn't even something I really need.

I need to listen, to pay attention, to accept graciously what the Universe gives me.
I'm also looking at Faith. What role does it play in my life? What role do I want it to play in my life?

How do I want to live?

I became weak when I stopped paying attention. I really pay attention briefly... and it is then when my writing is the most profound and my life the most beautiful and easy. So, this week I look at Faith... and I hope that soon I can just open up and completely trust the world, the universe, all of it.