and these words started to come to me in the shower and I had to carefully interrupt them so that they'd last until I could write them down... and figure out where they were going to go...

Ask most people what it is they have most wanted to hear, and I don't think their answer would really be genuine, even if they trusted you and wanted to give you an honest answer. It takes such a degree of vulnerability to look into yourself and openly admit the simple phrase that you have always yearned for, but never heard. When I did this on retreat, most of the women had wanted to hear simple things like, "You're good enough"; "You're perfect just as you are"; and "You're beautiful". We would listen as the woman nervously or boldly spoke the words and then we'd say the phrase back to the person. All of us meaning it as much as we could and the person doing their best to accept the phrase they had so long yearned for. 

Mine was a little bit different and, not surprisingly, I wanted to change it to make it more like those of the others, but I didn't doubt that I was loved or accepted, and I didn't doubt my beauty, worth or intelligence. The phrase I had always wanted to hear was, "I want to to be your partner and explore this life with you." A phrase so hard to share with the group and so awkward to hear said back to me from the accepting faces, glowing with love. I felt like I only let the words partially in, but I tried; I tried to accept the words from all of them.

And this is what prompted the retreat leader to tell me to not seek a partner or, if I had one, to put my partner aside for awhile, and learn to love myself. And that someday I would then have a line of people wanting to be my partner. He asked if I understood, and I did, and I said I did, but I tried to rush past the moment. And, even now I try to put my computer aside. 

But, when I first heard Robert Palmer sing those fated lines, I knew he was speaking to me. You're right, I am a stereotypical Pisces with an addiction like all the rest. It's no wonder that The Princess Bride was my favorite movie, with Westley telling Buttercup that not even death could keep them apart and the white horses and the kiss that outranked all of the greatest kisses of all time. 

It is also not surprising that I was drawn from it by I Heart Huckabees.

The other secret, love, is that when the pain would get unbearable, as it did near the end, I told God that I was willing to let go of you, if that was what I needed to do, in order to make the pain stop. I told God that I gave up, that I wouldn't fight anymore, that I would stop trying to run my own life, that I would really dedicate myself this time. But, I told you that I hoped we were in a dimension where we would end up together... and maybe part of that me did, I don't know how it all works... But I (of this dimension) stopped fighting. See, the thing is that I told you that I couldn't fight for you, but I did. I didn't fight another person, because I wouldn't stop you from having what you wanted, but I did fight myself; I ignored the advice coming my way until it came in the form of a metaphorical mallet... or a heavy wooden cutting board with a handle fashioned just for knocking sense into people.

So, I love you, but I can't ignore that voice anymore. We can't cuddle like that right now. You have a girlfriend and I want you to be dedicated to her. I don't want to create a tension between us that will make either of us feel bad about ourselves or hurt another. For me to be single... and to support your life that is honest and uncomplicated, it makes more sense to have activities that are appropriate to our new way of relating. 

Part of me felt like I should pull away, but part of me still feels so drawn to you. It's hard, but I have to listen to that quiet voice. As I do so, I hope you can see me trusting you more. I really do love you, my friend, and I don't want to just love you in a way that is inter-mixed with my addiction. I want to love you without expecting you to feed my habit, both for your sake and for mine.

It's happening already, of course. I was calm before I got home last night and I'm more convinced that we're both doing what is right. 

I'd like to get past the (mutual) addictions and love each other without expecting the other to satisfy any aching need. And, so, I guess I'm asking if we can try not to feed my addiction. My willpower is still a bit weak, but I think we can do it together. 

Because someday I'd like to meet your new love.... and because your friendship is important to me... and because I'm doing the best I can to listen to that delicate voice.

Thank you, my friend. You have been and are a beautiful presence in my life.

I had almost forgotten who I once had been

Would you believe that both of my husbands accused me of being violent and having temper problems? That they both at least once regarded me with fear?

I used to scream and cry. I was such the drama queen.

I read back a few posts and saw how valiantly I was trying not to be the victim then, but I still blamed everything on Daniel when he got to the states. I was an angel, making efforts to get to know his culture, food, interests, and language. He was the devil, slighting me at every turn. But I chose him. I am the one who decided to get engaged ridiculously early into my time knowing him. It didn't quite feel like the right thing, but it didn't feel too terrible, and so I went with it. I was in control of my life, though it took me a long time to admit that... and I still get angry at him sometimes.

I am such a different person now. I take so much better care of myself. I have so much less fear. It is amazing.

I got anxious today and started to feel like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I went on a walk and actively congratulated people on the abundance in their lives, on their fortunes and their blessings. It helped a lot.

I also keep trying to not be scared of or judge the hard emotions. I keep feeling them and loving them, allowing them to move through as they need.... noting ways in which I can gain clarity or treat myself better as the emotions roll by. I am so glad that I have learned all of this and that life is easier. I still feel tired, but I know it isn't like the tired I have felt before. I remember barely being able to stand, confused about how I'd get the energy to even do the most basic things to continue forward with life. Now I just put some things off to till the last minute, but I get things done. And I am actively taking care of myself on so many levels.

I still feel so much attachment. My nerves are on fire. I am so in love and, especially after reading my last post, I know this decision to let go of romance and to spend some real time apart, consciously, is the best decision, but, oh, do I feel the process. I chose God though. I really did.

I chose God and I chose me, and I did it in a way that allowed me to love you better and more. This is the only way to do things. I know.