I love you so much

I feel like I'm scared to write, but I know that I have my signals crossed. There is a small amount of fear in my body, though I imagine it is just adrenaline coursing through me as all of these things pass on by. I have to admit that it gets easier. I keep having emotions to pass through and let go of, but it isn't as overwhelming. I can breathe and make myself a little more expansive and open. I can go into a sensation and explore it. I can scream into my pillow to help facilitate the release of anger. I can appreciate this flame point cat rubbing his face against my computer monitor. He has taken to sleeping right near my head. I think he knows that I yearn for companionship and the trick is to see God in everything, and not just where I want to see it.

God seems so clear when I look at you. Your smile is radiant. Your skin and scars are divine. I could listen to anything you had to say for days. Life has never felt so complete or so easy as it does in your arms.

And, yet, I find myself then more trapped. I get so attached to you. I begin to shadow box, trying to remember how to just love myself, trying to remember how to be my own lover.
I spent one night in your arms and I get so lost in you. This isn't your fault. You're off doing your own thing while I'm on a little roller coaster.

I did get my wish though, the roller coaster was smaller this time around... but, I get scared. And I find myself praying, willing to let anything be taken away: any memory, any attachment, anything... just so I can have peace again.

But then, as soon as I find a place of calm, I find myself adoring you again, wanting to make you little things and mail them to you anonymously. It is like nothing I could ever do would ever let me show enough love to you. I want a family with you, a baby, a home, chickens, a dog. I want to explore all of our dreams and all of our realities. I want to give you everything and I just want to adore you and your crooked smile.

Yet, I sometimes wonder if I can even stand to see you right now.

I can work on all other demons with you, but not this attachment. When I am with you, it all feels fine. But, then I want more and I don't really all of the moments when you aren't there. Oh, some of them I do. I can allow myself to enjoy the moment of shooting Devin's M1A or really allow myself to experience and enjoy a moment of love with my cat. I can see that I am figuring it out. I can see that I am slowly learning to appreciate each moment and take better care of myself.

Though each time I let go of another layer of attachment to you, it seems like I just love you more. This would work out fine, except that I can't seem to stop filling those holes I empty. I create space by getting rid of attachment and I fill it with more attachment. I probably need to spend more time away from you.

I may need to speak to my teacher about this.

I want a companion on this journey of life, not someone that I let get in my way.

Though, I know that I have to look inside myself first. There is something that I want from outside of myself that I am having trouble seeing inside myself. I hope that the weighted blanket helps.

I love you so much and it sucks that we seem to need to spend less time together right now, but I know that I can't be a good partner or a good friend (either to myself or to you), until I can more easily get rid of attachment and less easily build it up.