A little reminder for myself

I wrote to my teacher yesterday, slowly, carefully.... I was connected. I was honest. It was beautiful. My migraine went away afterward and my own words keep appearing in my head whenever I find myself obsessing and getting lost time, space or matter.

Before I wrote, I wanted to see last week as a failure. I talked too much. I told jokes and stories to be cool, funny and interesting. I let myself get excited and then stressed over immigration issues. I didn't take care of myself as well as I should have. The list goes on.

But I wrote and saw that I was paying attention, that I was learning, that I was loving myself. I had to admit that I knew almost immediately that my words were not useful, necessary or kind. And this awareness is something new.

I did choke on one sob this week, but I just loved myself and felt it and connected. And I had to remember that it was not that long ago that I was having daily panic attacks and couldn't handle anything.

So, the kindness and the surrender seem to be seeping in. And the writing helped so much.

I want to get that degree of honesty and connection in all of my writings... and all of my words and everything. And the writing really does help. I have perspective.

So, today I have to see that I keep wanting to get lost in how many hours of work I can get done or trying to get my apartment spic and span for my step-mom. Breathe.

The migraine starts to come back when my mind whirs too loud.

It isn't that I can't work or clean... it is that I need to stop obsessing and restricting energy flow. I need to just accept and surrender and enjoy the moment, whether I am cleaning the toaster oven, dancing to reggaeton or eating pizza.

I just need to keep this quality all of the time.

I need to listen.