I had almost forgotten who I once had been

Would you believe that both of my husbands accused me of being violent and having temper problems? That they both at least once regarded me with fear?

I used to scream and cry. I was such the drama queen.

I read back a few posts and saw how valiantly I was trying not to be the victim then, but I still blamed everything on Daniel when he got to the states. I was an angel, making efforts to get to know his culture, food, interests, and language. He was the devil, slighting me at every turn. But I chose him. I am the one who decided to get engaged ridiculously early into my time knowing him. It didn't quite feel like the right thing, but it didn't feel too terrible, and so I went with it. I was in control of my life, though it took me a long time to admit that... and I still get angry at him sometimes.

I am such a different person now. I take so much better care of myself. I have so much less fear. It is amazing.

I got anxious today and started to feel like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I went on a walk and actively congratulated people on the abundance in their lives, on their fortunes and their blessings. It helped a lot.

I also keep trying to not be scared of or judge the hard emotions. I keep feeling them and loving them, allowing them to move through as they need.... noting ways in which I can gain clarity or treat myself better as the emotions roll by. I am so glad that I have learned all of this and that life is easier. I still feel tired, but I know it isn't like the tired I have felt before. I remember barely being able to stand, confused about how I'd get the energy to even do the most basic things to continue forward with life. Now I just put some things off to till the last minute, but I get things done. And I am actively taking care of myself on so many levels.

I still feel so much attachment. My nerves are on fire. I am so in love and, especially after reading my last post, I know this decision to let go of romance and to spend some real time apart, consciously, is the best decision, but, oh, do I feel the process. I chose God though. I really did.

I chose God and I chose me, and I did it in a way that allowed me to love you better and more. This is the only way to do things. I know.