So far into intensity that I let it go

I sit here today and I am quiet. I feel the habit of wanting to explain and yet I don't reach out to any of my loved ones. I am in a cocoon, not to avoid people, but because I no longer need to reach out. I don't need that intensity. I don't need to be a walking poem.

On Saturday night, I fell into a friend's arms and was held and loved and allowed to love to the extremes of my ability. It felt like I was being burrowed into and I confessed all the desires I had previously wanted to hide without shame or dis-ease. I was clear. I was accepted. I was loved. I was given permission to be more over the top than ever.

I thought I was satiated then, but I'm not sure what happened. It was almost too much to sleep near him the last night I was there. Even my foot against his calf was too much, even his presence a foot away was too much. Shifts and healing kept happening throughout the night, but it was also exhausting. My dreams were so vivid...

I think we slept for more than ten hours and I'm sure we both awoke exhausted.

Now I'm here with my cats, in my simple little home, feeding this body, resting. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like texting. I don't think I need to reach outside of myself at all. For once it doesn't seem like the magic can only come from interaction with others.

I just read my last post from over a year ago... and it is so fitting. I have come a long way since then. I let my love for M. destroy me.... until I really did just give up. I was confused by my love for A., though it taught me the beauty of listening to my own heart.

Really, that is what all of this has done. I don't need fireworks or knights in shining armor. I don't need moments that can be turned into amazing stories of another great love. I don't need anything.

I am fully prepared to never be in partnership again. I don't need sex. I don't need romance. I don't need someone willing to forsake everything for me. None of these things make sense to me anymore.

I love my friends. I love my family, but I don't feel like any of it defines me. I don't know if anything defines me. I am simply here, willing to say yes, willing to let go.... willing to experience and then move forward. I don't know. It is all too perfect, so perfect. Beautiful.

I love you.

You are loved. You are loved.

You

are

loved.